Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Yeah I'm gonna talk about it...TINDER.

Well. Today I am here to talk about a subject that almost everyone knows about, but no one wants to admit to.  The latest fad in online dating is a thing called TINDER, yes TINDER.  I'm here to say, yeah I have one and NO I am not ashamed of it.  Neither should you if you're like 90% of people my age and have one or have had had one at one time.  If you never have because you're against online dating, let me tell you, YOU'RE MISSING OUT because of pure entertainment purposes. It's pretty well known that Tinder is not necessarily popular for producing long-term relationships.  If you've been living under a rock, Tinder is an app for smartphones on which you presented profiles on individuals who also have a Tinder in your area, or within a determined mile radius of you.  Your profile is attached to your Facebook without giving very much of your personal information.  It gives your first name, your age according to Facebook and a few pictures.  You can also include a bio with a little about yourself.  If you like someone's profile you can swipe right OR hit the hear button.  If you don't you can swipe left or hit the X button and say bye bye forever,  If you so happen to luckily hit a heart on someone's profile who also hit a heart or swiped right on yours, congratulations you have a match! Then you are free to chat with each other and what not.  From my personal experience, yes I have met some people in real life from Tinder.  Some weren't too bad of people, some don't last past the first date, and I've also chatted with some weirdos before.  But now to get down to what this is really about, fellas, regardless of what you're after on there I feel like there are definitely some do's and don'ts to a Tinder profile.  I'm here to give you some of my favorite don'ts that I have experienced either first hand or through the person who had me download it in the first place my old roommate and one of my best friends.  For her protection she will not be named. :) So here are the top 10 things that give me the nerve to automatically swipe left on a profile:

1.) The Sneaky Boxer/Underwear
This is probably my favorite hence why it's number one.  A lot of you probably don't realize it's happened to you but it's quite common.  Say you match with a stranger and you begin chatting and the conversation goes something like this...
Strange Tinderfella: Hey what's up?
You: Not much just relaxing at home, how about you?
Strange Tinderfella:  Just laying in bed, in my boxers...
ALRIGHT hold it right there "tinderfella." What exactly was the need to throw in the little "in my boxers" detail? Because unlike men, women can pick up on subtle hints.  But we like to play dumb because we hope you'll drop it.  Let me tell you, if this is some smooth move for me to acknowledge that you're half naked let me say...IT DOESN'T WORK. I honestly couldn't care less what're you're currently wearing.  And even if I did I'm not giving into your little games.  You think you're sneaky but you're not.

2.) The Fake Conversation
This one is almost just as bad, maybe worse.  This one I find almost degrading. This is the fine guy who holds conversation for a little bit.  Maybe not the best conversationalist but he doesn't let it die.  Then, out of nowhere, BAM, he hits you with something inappropriate and you feel like you just got whiplash.  And then you just get that draining feeling like, NOOO THIS WAS GOING SO WELL AND YOU RUINED IT.  Let me tell you, tinderfella, I get it if you just want someone to get down to business with.  However, if that's your purpose, I would much rather you tell me that up front or be inappropriate up front.  That way I can swiftly ignore you and move on.

3.) The Hypocrite
This profile bio goes something like this..."God is number one in my life....but I'm only looking for a hook up."  *eye roll emoji*  Are you joking right now?  I get it that abstinence isn't for everyone.  I get it that everyone sins.  But really? How are you going to act like you're high and mighty and then be looking for a hook up? Just no. Swipe left. Because you clearly do need more Jesus in your life.

4.) Mister Selfie
Okay, so maybe this is just a personal preference.  But I hate this double standard.  I can't tell you how many times guys say "girls who take a million selfies are so unattractive." If it's not okay for a girl, why is it okay for you? Nothing screams swipe left more to me than I'm obsessed with myself. I don't care about the tattoo under you left bicep, if I like you enough I'm sure I'll see it eventually.  The only time a male selfie, to me is acceptable is if your sweet adorable dog is involved or there's a kid in your picture, whether its yours or not.

5.) The Babe Magnet
This is a favorite among college guys.  Because for some odd reason they seem to think that if it looks like I am constantly surrounded by girls, maybe it'll seem more attractive.  GIRLS DO NOT LIKE COMPETITION.  To me, if every picture is of you surrounded by a bunch of other girls you're either friend-zoned all the time or a man whore.  If you got that many girls in real life, you wouldn't need Tinder. Bye.

All right, I am sure this one is going to be taken the wrong way.  And I am sure this is a personal preference. I know how important fitness is and I work out regularly.  I get if it's your passion.  I especially get it if you're a personal trainer and that's your job.  But it is blatantly obvious when you're only using your fitness "passion" as a way to score with the ladies.  If EVERY SINGLE picture of yours is in a gym mirror, swipe left.  Please for the love of all that is holy tell me you have a life other than looking at yourself in the mirror at the free weights.  Yeah I like to work out, but NO I WON'T BE YOUR SWOLEMATE.  If you can sit on the couch with me on Friday nights with a pizza and some light beer, then okay we can talk.

7.) Car Pictures
Sometimes you come across a profile and you know, there's just a car there.  So you keep scrolling.  But then there's another picture of the car, but it's a front view.  And then another, and then another until there are no pictures left.  What the? Did I just find a transformer on Tinder? Because if not you obviously feel the need to compensate for something with your 5 pictures of you shined up 2005 civic.  Go on somewhere else with that, like a car show.

8.) The Social Media Advertiser
This guy is the one where you read his bio and at the end he lists his IG, Snapchat, Facebook and Twitter handle.  I mean do you have a brain orrrr??? What a great way to get stalkers and crazy girls.  Yeah let us just not match or anything so I can still awkwardly stalk your life and like pictures from 2 years ago. There's a reason there is a little anonymity to this.

9.) "Swiping in a city near you!"
So Tinder has this new feature where you can put the location in which you're swiping, like city wise. Stupid idea.  But what I hate the most is the guys who say "I'm originally from [insert random city/state] but I'm just in [insert random city/state] for the night, who wants to have fun?!" What do you think you are? A comedy special? A one night concert event? NO. Literally, GET OUT OF TOWN.  You probably get zero fun times with that one.

10.) The Party Boy
I get it, Tinder is used a lot by college kids.  College kids like to party.  I know, I was one once.  However, I am now 24 and more than likely if you're on my Tinder feed you're close to my age.  I do not want to attend house parties 3 nights a week with you.  So if every picture is of you is at a party with your bros, or an obviously drunken funny photo of you, swipe left.  Your pictures should probably tell me you have interests outside of getting belligerent with your bros on Nati Lite.  We're adults now.

DISCLAIMER -- So obviously, I'm not a love doctor or any love expert.  This was just meant purely for entertainment purposes.  It should be funny, so laugh. HA HA. Or don't.  But really, just do you and be yourself.  Unless you're a jerk.  Then do us all a favor and don't. Please.  But do whatever you want with your profile and conversate however you see fit.  Thanks for readin! Love y'all, to God be the glory!

"You make me brave, You call me out beyond the shore into the wave." --Crossroads original song

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